Yet another piece about "that boy". Why is tragedy so inspiring?
"I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle for someone and spend the rest of my life pretending! I don't want to just be content with someone I'm just compatible with! I want to be blissfully happy with the person who has all of my heart! I chose to give it to him. And I don't want it back."
Some days I'm alright with being alone. And other days it just hurts.
I can't kill the hope that lives inside me. The hope that he will come for me. Even when it hurts the worst, the hope never diminishes. Sometimes having my hope makes me happy inside. Most of the time the hope feels bittersweet. I always know that almost a full lifetime of waiting for him, with only a moment together, would be worth it all.
Will this hope eat me away? Will it be that thing that keeps me alive while killing me at the same time?
I wonder often, especially when the pain subsides, if cutting myself off was the wise choice. Choices made in the heat of emotion are often less than perfectly rational. And I wonder if the pain of knowing nothing of him is worse than the pain of being in contact, and having what I love but cannot have dangled in front of me. My heart says it is better, calmer this way. And about these things, my heart has never been wrong.
I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to let go. I'm only strong enough to hold on to this one thing with all my might, while everything else gains and then loses power. Its true what they say, only love is strong enough.
I wonder, what cruelty is it that revealed my soul mate to me but never allowed me to have him?
He is not perfect. Only perfect for me.
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