The theme in my life lately seems to be one of disappointment in other people. For a long time in my life I thought the worst of everyone around me, and I was miserable, so I decided to go Pollyanna status and "look for the good in people".
One of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, has a line that says "people generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for." I'm a firm believer that what you put out into the universe is what you get back and that the company you keep dictates a lot about your character. I've been grappling lately with negativity and becoming involved in childish drama. Sounds silly as I write this, but I believed that if you focus on the good you can find in everyone that no harm would come to you in your relationships.
But between our house being broken into, quite possibly by someone who knows us, the he-said she-said chaos of my workplace, family members making selfish, judgmental decisions regarding our wedding, and watching a close friend's blossoming marriage disintegrate, I feel so desolate. Is it that some people just aren't good people? I find the thought much more comforting that everyone is good at heart and that we all make poor decisions sometimes. But then, how would we account for the ones who seem to be evil incarnate? The atrocities people like Hitler are capable of...yet surely no one could claim that Hitler was 100% pure evil. His charisma and leadership abilities made him incredibly successful, except that his goal was twisted. With this logic, doesn't it make sense that everything comes from good and then we get led astray?
I was among good people at home in California, so many beautiful, genuine souls. And so many they are hard to count! Who could be so blessed? There, it wasn't hard to believe. But now here, amid all of this, I am dismayed. Do I maintain my enthusiastic belief in the goodness of man, or do I get my head out of the clouds and become more realistic?
If this is reality and it is more intelligent to accept this, then I would choose to remain ignorant. To love or have relationships, you must believe that everyone is good at heart, else you will be keeping one eye over your shoulder in every aspect of life. I suppose I have really lost trust in others, both physically and emotionally.
Signed,
Several notches down from a cock-eyed optimist :(
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