Seems to be that life is a cycle, that runs over and over again. The past few weeks feel like a huge deja vu. Moral of the past month is, I don't need to lose my faith in EVERYONE, only in the people who have proven they are unworthy of my trust. Its ok to distance myself from the people who have continuously disappointed me and the people who demonstrate their lack of integrity. It seems I have just as much of a hard time admitting others have faults as I do admitting my own. Now, how to confront the necessary people about all of it? ...to be blogged about at a later date.
On a separate but related in the context of admitting my faults note, its funny (yet again) how you can have issues you torture yourself over internally that you didn't even realize were completely out of whack! Things from my childhood have embedded themselves so deep in my psyche that I am still discovering new issues all the time.
For the past week I've been so exhausted after work I haven't had the energy to do anything around the house. Dishes in the sink taunted me, the growing pile of laundry screamed at me every time I walked by. All I could do was sit on the couch, spent, and list over and over again in my head all the things I should be getting done. I apologized profusely to Reid for the messiness and laziness. He was confused. "You always do all this stuff, its about time I do some work around here, too." I came to a new understanding of what a marriage ought to be.
"Wives, be submissive to your husbands" was branded into my brain. Do the housework and chores, cook and clean. It was easy to accept that that was my job, Reid being the primary breadwinner of our little family. That's the home environment I was raised in. But the entire verse in the bible is not just about a woman's place. There is quite a bit of responsibility placed on the man as well. Submissiveness, in the context of the verse, means to trust that God will give your husband the wisdom to make the best decisions for our family. That is his role. I have that confidence in Reid. His doing housework, to me, was an extra way to spoil me and show his love for me. But all the while, to Reid, he was just doing what he ought to be doing, not doing something to make me feel even more indebted to him.
This is the man I married. I learn from him every day. I am blessed.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Only a Cock-Eyed Optimist
The theme in my life lately seems to be one of disappointment in other people. For a long time in my life I thought the worst of everyone around me, and I was miserable, so I decided to go Pollyanna status and "look for the good in people".
One of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, has a line that says "people generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for." I'm a firm believer that what you put out into the universe is what you get back and that the company you keep dictates a lot about your character. I've been grappling lately with negativity and becoming involved in childish drama. Sounds silly as I write this, but I believed that if you focus on the good you can find in everyone that no harm would come to you in your relationships.
But between our house being broken into, quite possibly by someone who knows us, the he-said she-said chaos of my workplace, family members making selfish, judgmental decisions regarding our wedding, and watching a close friend's blossoming marriage disintegrate, I feel so desolate. Is it that some people just aren't good people? I find the thought much more comforting that everyone is good at heart and that we all make poor decisions sometimes. But then, how would we account for the ones who seem to be evil incarnate? The atrocities people like Hitler are capable of...yet surely no one could claim that Hitler was 100% pure evil. His charisma and leadership abilities made him incredibly successful, except that his goal was twisted. With this logic, doesn't it make sense that everything comes from good and then we get led astray?
I was among good people at home in California, so many beautiful, genuine souls. And so many they are hard to count! Who could be so blessed? There, it wasn't hard to believe. But now here, amid all of this, I am dismayed. Do I maintain my enthusiastic belief in the goodness of man, or do I get my head out of the clouds and become more realistic?
If this is reality and it is more intelligent to accept this, then I would choose to remain ignorant. To love or have relationships, you must believe that everyone is good at heart, else you will be keeping one eye over your shoulder in every aspect of life. I suppose I have really lost trust in others, both physically and emotionally.
Signed,
Several notches down from a cock-eyed optimist :(
One of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird, has a line that says "people generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for." I'm a firm believer that what you put out into the universe is what you get back and that the company you keep dictates a lot about your character. I've been grappling lately with negativity and becoming involved in childish drama. Sounds silly as I write this, but I believed that if you focus on the good you can find in everyone that no harm would come to you in your relationships.
But between our house being broken into, quite possibly by someone who knows us, the he-said she-said chaos of my workplace, family members making selfish, judgmental decisions regarding our wedding, and watching a close friend's blossoming marriage disintegrate, I feel so desolate. Is it that some people just aren't good people? I find the thought much more comforting that everyone is good at heart and that we all make poor decisions sometimes. But then, how would we account for the ones who seem to be evil incarnate? The atrocities people like Hitler are capable of...yet surely no one could claim that Hitler was 100% pure evil. His charisma and leadership abilities made him incredibly successful, except that his goal was twisted. With this logic, doesn't it make sense that everything comes from good and then we get led astray?
I was among good people at home in California, so many beautiful, genuine souls. And so many they are hard to count! Who could be so blessed? There, it wasn't hard to believe. But now here, amid all of this, I am dismayed. Do I maintain my enthusiastic belief in the goodness of man, or do I get my head out of the clouds and become more realistic?
If this is reality and it is more intelligent to accept this, then I would choose to remain ignorant. To love or have relationships, you must believe that everyone is good at heart, else you will be keeping one eye over your shoulder in every aspect of life. I suppose I have really lost trust in others, both physically and emotionally.
Signed,
Several notches down from a cock-eyed optimist :(
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