Far From the Home I Love

The song from Fiddler on the Roof has been stuck in my head off and on for the past month, through preparing to leave California and then the moving process and now being here in Washington.

My emotions have been overflowing and somewhat stifled due to being busy, leading in turn to several breakdowns during the past few weeks. There are worse struggles than moving, of this I am aware. But for just a moment I am going to spill my insides.

I am happy to be with Reid. Seeing him every day and having a home together after so many months of anticipation is so wonderful. Our little yellow and white house is picturesque and cozy. Our cats are happy and we were very blessed to have Reid's mom's help the first week here.

Now we are just about settled in, however, and I feel a heavy weight on my heart such as I have not experienced in several years. Even more frustrating, I thought I would never feel this way again. Perhaps I was too naive.

I miss home. I miss it so much that tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. The faces of my beautiful friends, my family, run in a slideshow across my mind. I know I am not forgotten about, but neither am I an active participant in my friends' lives, or they in mine. The lack of "hi, what are you doing this afternoon"s leaves my phone quiet most of the day. It will be better when I have a job; perhaps I will make some friends there. I am not especially a victim more than others who have had to move away from home, but because of the fact that I felt security and a family in California for the first time in my life, it was difficult to leave. Essentially, I never felt that I had unconditional love and support until I moved back to California. I have not just one or two close friends I could call on any time, confide anything in, but many. More than I could count with my shoes on, to be sure.

I would like to believe that I am a naturally happy and enthusiastic person, but perhaps I relied too heavily on my friends for a sense of well-being. Loneliness has always been the most difficult emotion for me to cope with, and when Reid is at work, I feel alone. I don't want to do anything but curl up under my soft blanket and lose my thoughts in a book or movie.

I strongly dislike the thought of struggling to have primarily positive emotions. There is so much to be gained from being here for the next 2 years. Missing home is less difficult to bear than missing Reid. I know Reid feels (unnecessarily) guilty for "making" me move here, so I don't want to go on and on about it to him. I want him to know only that I am overjoyed to be with him.

"Oh, what a melancholy choice this is: wanting home, wanting him...."