Just A Rant

I must rant, for just a few minutes.

Lately, an old wound has been reopened. I believe that after being deeply wounded, people can become whole again. But I also believe that the deepest wounds can be reopened. Just as wounds in our physical bodies leave scars, so emotional wounds leave scar tissue on our souls.

I am blessed to live in a world surrounded by people who love unconditionally, regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. Some are avid atheists, some are Sunday church-goers. But all have come to the same rational conclusion: that compassion and non-judgment are the only way to live in harmony with one another. "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes," we say. But no one can walk in my shoes, and I cannot walk in anyone else's, though we can relate to each other profoundly. I will never know the core of what makes another person who they are. We all have our ways of coping, feeling safe and accepted.

Sure, we all judge. Its in our nature to have opinions and want to defend them. It is when one person feels so strongly that they are right, to the point of ostracizing or condemning a fellow human being, that the sticky problems begin.

I was raised Catholic. I understand the beauty of faith. I believe in the power of spirituality. I prefaced this statement by saying that we all judge, because I am not exempt. I do my utmost to be open-minded to any walk of life, even if I don't think it would suit me very well.

There is only one exception: avid religious activists who insist that they are right, everyone else is wrong, and that we must be saved from the wrath of God by living according to ridiculous and irrational rules and regulations.

I cannot express to you the acute pain I feel from being condemned by someone who ought to be biologically programmed to love me unconditionally. Fear is a powerful thing. It is so powerful that it can override love. How tragic that a person can be so blinded by faith that they would not only be ok with, but see it as necessary to point out the areas in a person's life that they disagree with.

In my case, it is not just one person, but many. The Catholic homeschooling families I grew up with, who spoke quietly to my mother about how my temper and vocal-ness about things needed to be reigned in, and the exclusion I felt because I was not docile like my peers. The Catholic youth ranch I was sent to for nearly two years, which used brainwashing techniques akin to those used on POW's in the Korean War in order to try to force me to comply. The private Catholic college I attended that expelled me after only a few months for not fitting the mold of a Catholic young adult because I was struggling with issues in my past. The very large Catholic church community in Louisiana that broke all ties with me save the occasional cordial, careful conversations as I attempted to deal with the emerged issues in my past. The small Puritanical Catholic community in Oklahoma I ran to for refuge, which instead universally condemned me and shooed their children away from me for refusing to adhered to their 18th century beliefs and customs.

Don't tell me that my healing will only begin when I return to the faith. I will not fall prey to the fallacy that the happiness of a perpetually unhappy person depends on my adherence to her belief system. And don't you dare have the audacity to announce that my incredibly happy marriage is doomed to failure without the Catholic faith.

You will forgive me for having strong doubts about returning to a community which defies its own definition.