Just A Rant

I must rant, for just a few minutes.

Lately, an old wound has been reopened. I believe that after being deeply wounded, people can become whole again. But I also believe that the deepest wounds can be reopened. Just as wounds in our physical bodies leave scars, so emotional wounds leave scar tissue on our souls.

I am blessed to live in a world surrounded by people who love unconditionally, regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. Some are avid atheists, some are Sunday church-goers. But all have come to the same rational conclusion: that compassion and non-judgment are the only way to live in harmony with one another. "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes," we say. But no one can walk in my shoes, and I cannot walk in anyone else's, though we can relate to each other profoundly. I will never know the core of what makes another person who they are. We all have our ways of coping, feeling safe and accepted.

Sure, we all judge. Its in our nature to have opinions and want to defend them. It is when one person feels so strongly that they are right, to the point of ostracizing or condemning a fellow human being, that the sticky problems begin.

I was raised Catholic. I understand the beauty of faith. I believe in the power of spirituality. I prefaced this statement by saying that we all judge, because I am not exempt. I do my utmost to be open-minded to any walk of life, even if I don't think it would suit me very well.

There is only one exception: avid religious activists who insist that they are right, everyone else is wrong, and that we must be saved from the wrath of God by living according to ridiculous and irrational rules and regulations.

I cannot express to you the acute pain I feel from being condemned by someone who ought to be biologically programmed to love me unconditionally. Fear is a powerful thing. It is so powerful that it can override love. How tragic that a person can be so blinded by faith that they would not only be ok with, but see it as necessary to point out the areas in a person's life that they disagree with.

In my case, it is not just one person, but many. The Catholic homeschooling families I grew up with, who spoke quietly to my mother about how my temper and vocal-ness about things needed to be reigned in, and the exclusion I felt because I was not docile like my peers. The Catholic youth ranch I was sent to for nearly two years, which used brainwashing techniques akin to those used on POW's in the Korean War in order to try to force me to comply. The private Catholic college I attended that expelled me after only a few months for not fitting the mold of a Catholic young adult because I was struggling with issues in my past. The very large Catholic church community in Louisiana that broke all ties with me save the occasional cordial, careful conversations as I attempted to deal with the emerged issues in my past. The small Puritanical Catholic community in Oklahoma I ran to for refuge, which instead universally condemned me and shooed their children away from me for refusing to adhered to their 18th century beliefs and customs.

Don't tell me that my healing will only begin when I return to the faith. I will not fall prey to the fallacy that the happiness of a perpetually unhappy person depends on my adherence to her belief system. And don't you dare have the audacity to announce that my incredibly happy marriage is doomed to failure without the Catholic faith.

You will forgive me for having strong doubts about returning to a community which defies its own definition.

A Random Act of Kindness

I have to take a moment to relate to you the random act of kindness we were blessed with today.

Reid's car is out of commission for the moment. He has been carpooling to work with someone who works in his section. Today was his frocking ceremony; he was promoted to petty officer, 3rd class.

We arrived on base to get stickers for my car, but we did not bring the correct paperwork. The woman behind the desk was unable to give us a day pass. We explained that Reid's car was not working and that we were trying to get to his frocking ceremony.

"I'm not allowed to; I would if I could," the lady said. "What time is the ceremony at?"

"1500," Reid told her.

"Well, would you like to take my Jeep? I'm off work at 4:15." The lady held out her keys to us.

We were in disbelief as we got into her car and drove to the ceremony. It was finished in just enough time for me to drop off Reid for work and drive the car back to the building she worked in. We thanked her repeatedly for her generosity, and gave her the bag of goodies we had received after Reid's ceremony.

The lady did not know us from Adam, and we never learned her name. Yet she trusted us with her vehicle and allowed us to use her gas as well, expecting nothing in return.

Amazing. And how unfortunate it is that such an act of generosity is so unusual. I have resolved to trust in the goodness of others a little more, and to go a little more out of my way in my life to perform random acts of kindness like this lady did for us.

When a Door Closes

You know the cliche. We recite it to our loved ones when we're at a loss for comforting things to say. We know its true, but it rarely helps in the moment. In retrospect, though, we usually see when and how the window opened.

I am not wizened with age, by any means; however, I've experienced enough of the difficulties of life to have some perspective. When your life is metaphorically down in a hole, you don't just have to start over. You have to dig out of the hole, get back to ground zero, and then build from there. It took several years for me, but I learned to take the ups and downs into stride and not to over-exaggerate them.

From deep depression and anxiety, a desperately fruitless love life chasing after shallow boy after shallow boy, homelessness, and an inability to care for myself let alone any other living being, I've worked my way to here.

Here looks like this: A quiet peacefulness and contentment with everything in my life, a confidence in myself and my abilities, including the ability to acknowledge that I am a good and talented person, a deeper-than-words connection with the love of my life, three unconditionally loving animals to care for, and my two dream career paths opening up before me. Call me average, but I've never wanted anything more than to be content and happy and loved. I have family and friends who love me unconditionally and the ability to wake up every day and do what I love. Sometimes I forget that none of this was dropped in my lap, that I worked my ass off to get here. Sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy because people that I love are unhappy.

I believe that what you put out is what you get back. I believe that if you fight hard enough, long enough, and focus on the positive, good things will come to you. There will always be another battle, another new hard thing to overcome, but for now, at this point in my life, I am blissfully happy with the view from the hill I've gotten to the top of. I can't think of anything more, right at this moment, that I could possibly attain or wish for.